She lost her innocence and her right to a healthy first sexual experience.

The world tells us the things she should have done to protect herself. Maybe she shouldn’t have been drinking. Maybe she shouldn’t have left her friends. Maybe she shouldn’t have been flattered by a boys attention. Maybe she shouldn’t have made out with a boy she didn’t know very well. Oh, and what was she wearing?

But what did she really do? She went to a party to celebrate high school graduation in her own neighborhood with people she knew in a very affluent area. Let’s think of the things that he could have done. Maybe he could’ve been kind. Maybe he could’ve been respectful. Maybe he could have listened to her No. Or the things he shouldn’t have done. Maybe he shouldn’t have assaulted my daughter. Maybe he shouldn’t have rammed his hand up her vagina as he forcibly pinned her on the ground. Maybe he shouldn’t have laughed and mocked her “No”. Maybe he could have listened.

I often wonder about him, who he’s hurt and maybe, if my daughter had done all the things society tells her to do that night maybe it wouldn’t have been her but maybe it would’ve been your daughter or anyones daughter and maybe it has been.

I’ve also thought about all the things that I could’ve done or should’ve done or should’ve known. Why didn’t I know? I know her so well. Why didn’t I see it in her eyes? Why didn’t I ask her questions? Why didn’t I know?

Our other daughter, who is known as the “wise woman in the forest” for her concise summations of every issue, asked me “Why are you blaming yourself? Why are you trying to find someone else to blame? Why are you trying to figure out why when there’s only one person the finger points to”.

I said all the wrong things when she told me 18 months after the assault happened. I said, at least you weren’t hurt more. I said, at least it wasn’t actual sex. All the wrong things. I also said the right things. That none of it was her fault. That she did absolutely not one thing wrong that night. That I loved her. That she didn’t deserve this.

I pray the wrong things I said aren’t the ones that stick in her heart. She doesn’t deserve another wound.