Blame my Daughters

I pray that we emerge a more kind, intelligent & grateful world

I pray for those who have died and for their families who mourn them

I pray for those without insurance and that society will now see them

I pray for the students who can’t go to school and for their parents

I pray we will appreciate and pay our teachers

I pray for those who don’t believe in science and that this will open their eyes and hearts

I pray that people will see the recovery of our planet and respect the idea of mother nature

I pray when we travel again we see the world and not take one minute for granted 

I pray for my family, for their health, for their well-being, for their grateful hearts

I pray for my children and hope I never again look at my phone while they are speaking

I pray I don’t judge others for their decisions and only concern myself with my own

I pray we emerge a just kind thoughtful world

amen!

As we wind up another decade and I think of the 9 of you, many things come to mind. I see each of you as teenagers, then I see you as adults and mothers and wives and daughters and sisters and girlfriends. It’s like one of those flip books flashing before me with all of you in it! You fill so many roles but is the way you navigate those roles and share your experiences that is so amazing.

I often reflect on the beauty of our connection. 10 friends from Poway High class of 1978. Is it the wonder of the World Wide Web? Is it that we have no other friends? Is it that we raised our children without each other so we weren’t in the competition that can happen between women? Is it that we don’t have to explain ourselves or where we come from? Who the gosh darn knows! I think for me it’s a mix of all those things. I’m just so very grateful to have all of you. I love hearing about your lives and seeing the pictures of your families. I feel so honored that you trust me to share in your struggles. I love cheating with you. I even love seeing your cheating little faces when I’m not there! But most of all, I love the energy that being together gives me. That energy carries me forward for weeks! Whatever grace formed this WW bond I am grateful. 

With that said, it is now time for each of you to have your WW review. As head WW I was going to do this privately in my office but, since I apparently don’t have an office, I will do it openly! and remotely! so 2020! 

Also, I have never claimed to have the best memory for detail and, I probably should have consulted our WW secretary, so parts will be missing! Please feel free to add or subtract where necessary! ;). Excuse me if I overshare but here goes…

Susan- Marie, I shall start with you!  You are in Senegal which we all had to consult a map in order to locate! You have dealt with so much this past year.  Your Parkinsons diagnosis and having to share that news.  The death of your adorable, turban wearing mom.  Your ridiculous move across the courtyard (although, I do love your new pad! especially your coffee maker :). You ended a relationship. Your big Miller family still keeps you busy! All this and you work full-time, play pickle-ball!, travel relentlessly, dance, exercise and have 2 boys and an ex who is not a big help.  Ok, I’m exhausted and going to bed.  You get an A++ for the year!  

Julie- Juuuulie!!!! You have had to deal with the devastating news regarding your Dad’s health.  You work full-time and you have squeezed in some travel to cheat and see your son.  You made me  wish I had attended the SD concert I forgot I was invited to! I’m sure you are ATVing and Goodwill shopping and many other things I have no idea about!  Your laugh, and your ability to laugh no matter what is happening makes my heart sing.  Plus, you put up with my endless teasing and photo documentation which earns you an A++ for the year!

Michelle- Shelly!!!  You have had a lot of changes dealing with your aging parents, their move and health issues.   You went on a great vacation and broke your foot on your first day out!  Parker moved a couple times and you have been there for him (and with him) and done so much travel its hard to keep up!  I know you also work on your foundation and you got a new PUPPY!!! You are way too nice which inspires me (since I am not that nice), you smile and, at least project, a positive approach in the midst of it all. You get an A++ for the year!

Karen- Laren!!!  OMG your Dad.  So sudden and so overwhelming.  I cannot imagine the many ways that this has rocked your world and the world of your entire family.  You have been so thoughtful to update us along the way and share the progress and the pitfalls.  You also work full-time! (geez, whats with all these working WW!?). You finished your kitchen remodel which would be enough to put a lesser lady over the edge and your 2 kids have been transitioning as they all do in their 20s.  You are endlessly kind and a good spy  😉 You also earn an easy A++ for the year!

Nita- Niter!!!  It seems like you are in the sweet spot right now!  Your boys have grown up, you are minus a dog, you are adding a daughter (I think? This is where my bad memory comes in to play!), you have been traveling and cheating and celebrating big events with your big and bigger family.  Enjoy!  You deserve it all….but let’s remember that you do have that full-time job that provides you with your sub-optimal mobile phone… still, you earn an A++ for the year!

Liz- Liz Liz Bo Biz!!! First and foremost, we missed you at Stagecoach! Don’t let it happen again. Just a warning that future infractions could effect your overall grade for the year! ha!  I’m happy to report that you did get some fun cheating in this year and I love all the pics you’ve been sending to keep us updated on your boys and your ski trips and tree house adventures!  On the flip side, I know Katie’s death is something you must deal with every day.  Its truly heartbreaking and unimaginable to me.  You were so good to her.  You also dealt with losing Dave’s mom this year and I’m sure you have been a great support to him, during and after, her passing. I’m happy to report you have earned an A++ this year!

Debbie- Deb! I’m still recovering from our drag show adventures and the fried food aftermath!  You travel to crazy places with your bike, you travel for work, you travel for the heck of it!  You have juggled a lot while on the go.  You lost your Dad, you gained a sister, you lost a Thorne in your side ;).  You kicked out a bad tenant and had to redo your cute little tiny house.  You have been so good to your Mom and to Dick during his recovery.  You are a good friend to so many (even the B-listers) and I hope 2020 brings you the peace and fulfillment you deserve.  You have earned an A++ for the year!

Kate- Kate, Kathy, Kathryn….a rose by any name…. Of course the biggest transition for you this year would be the move of your parents.  I love that your Dad came by to visit with my Mom.  I think certain things are only understood by other people who have been through them.  I hope the change has been okay for all of you.  On the plus side it looks like you have been able to travel and see quite a bit of Kyle and his cute British wife!  Still ranks as one of my favorite “how we met” stories.  And again, you also work full-time with all those super energetic kids and are looking forward to retirement.  You have earned a gold star for the year which is the equivalent of an A++ in first grader language!

Claudette- Claudine! I’m not sure what tops the list, the new hip or the new grandkid!  Thank you for your honesty during the lead up to your surgery.  It is really scary….I don’t even like to get my teeth cleaned!  By your fun photos and travel it seems that you are on the mend!  You have added to your beautiful family with your new grandson (does he have a nickname by now?!) and it looks like your youngest may have a new flame 😉 but you also lost Steve’s Dad this year.  When someone goes missing it leaves such a strange hole but I can see you are busy, busy, busy and you are so blessed to be surrounded by the family I know you have always wanted.  I love when people manifest their dreams into their lives and you have done that!  You have earned an A++ for the year!

I know I have left many holes, and gaps and I also know I will be forgiven by this group who loves me without judgement. You have all done very well navigating this thing called life in 2019.  It’s a wild ride and I’m so happy to be on it with each and every one of you adorable, kind, intelligent, thoughtful, beautiful Wildest of Women!!!

Happy 2020 and to many cheat festivals in the New Year!

xoxo, Your Head WW

Susan Sue Suz Suzy Q

This was a sad and exhausting visit.  It makes me sad to even think those words.  Her visit has reaffirmed many of the thoughts I’ve had regarding this point in my own life.  It’s not an easy time.  I think we have been trained to think that this will be a relaxing time, a time to reap the rewards of our prior efforts, a time when things will take care of themselves.  Yikes, no.  So much to decide, reframe, readjust…change.  

I’m happy that I’m the way I am. I’m happy that I have a strong faith and sense that I am not alone even when I am.  I’m happy that I can find pleasure in everyday things and beauty around me.  I’m happy that I don’t think the pieces of the pie are limited.  I’m happy that I am healthy.  So much is out of my control.  My vision of the world and myself is not.  

It was very uncomfortable to have her looking to me for answers.  I’m always willing to give advice but crap! I don’t have any idea about her life.  She has a therapist, she has read every self-help book, she’s in groups, she professes feminism but doesn’t implement it in her own life and relationships. She eats too much, she walks too slow and she complains and blames her husband for everything.  So hard to listen to!

And another thing! Hahaha it was so difficult to be around someone who doesn’t really show excitement in the things we were doing.  We are here in New York City!  The Big Apple!  Everything is exciting!  It can’t be enough to post it on FB and say you had a great time.  And there wasn’t really any conversation.  Everything referred back to her and something in her past, or her financial situation.  My god, I’m sure she has saved more money than we have.  I felt I was there to serve some purpose for her, to be at her service. I was even dubbed her “life coach”. I am not up for the job and I ended up feeling mean 😳

Fortunately for me, my BFFL arrives today….again the universe giving me a big hug.  Thank you universe, thank you God, thank you angels.  I will reframe, readjust, and be grateful for all the blessings in my life.

She lost her innocence and her right to a healthy first sexual experience.

The world tells us the things she should have done to protect herself. Maybe she shouldn’t have been drinking. Maybe she shouldn’t have left her friends. Maybe she shouldn’t have been flattered by a boys attention. Maybe she shouldn’t have made out with a boy she didn’t know very well. Oh, and what was she wearing?

But what did she really do? She went to a party to celebrate high school graduation in her own neighborhood with people she knew in a very affluent area. Let’s think of the things that he could have done. Maybe he could’ve been kind. Maybe he could’ve been respectful. Maybe he could have listened to her No. Or the things he shouldn’t have done. Maybe he shouldn’t have assaulted my daughter. Maybe he shouldn’t have rammed his hand up her vagina as he forcibly pinned her on the ground. Maybe he shouldn’t have laughed and mocked her “No”. Maybe he could have listened.

I often wonder about him, who he’s hurt and maybe, if my daughter had done all the things society tells her to do that night maybe it wouldn’t have been her but maybe it would’ve been your daughter or anyones daughter and maybe it has been.

I’ve also thought about all the things that I could’ve done or should’ve done or should’ve known. Why didn’t I know? I know her so well. Why didn’t I see it in her eyes? Why didn’t I ask her questions? Why didn’t I know?

Our other daughter, who is known as the “wise woman in the forest” for her concise summations of every issue, asked me “Why are you blaming yourself? Why are you trying to find someone else to blame? Why are you trying to figure out why when there’s only one person the finger points to”.

I said all the wrong things when she told me 18 months after the assault happened. I said, at least you weren’t hurt more. I said, at least it wasn’t actual sex. All the wrong things. I also said the right things. That none of it was her fault. That she did absolutely not one thing wrong that night. That I loved her. That she didn’t deserve this.

I pray the wrong things I said aren’t the ones that stick in her heart. She doesn’t deserve another wound.

“You can’t start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one” -Unknown

My youngest daughter pushed the button on her college applications this morning.  I felt so many different emotions …relief for her, pride in her, anxiety in the unknown, and a sadness for the loss of her.  Her whole life flashed before my eyes.  I began missing her before she was gone.  With my first daughter I didn’t know what the reality of college would bring.  Now I do.

I am so proud of my baby.  Of all that she has done and all that I know she will do.  And best of all, she is proud of herself.

It is a melancholy thing watching your children grow.  It is a mixture of emotions that can send me straight into the closet to have a good cry.  When they succeed, when they fail, when you can feel them still growing.  It’s a continuous process of them moving away.  I remember when my older daughter walked for the first time.  She walked away from me and I remember thinking, “Well here we go”.  I knew then that it was a series of goodbyes.  A pride, a happiness and a sorrow blended into one big emotion.

Being a mother is the best job I’ve had.  I’ve given it my all.  I have no desire to retire from this position.  At the most I will be working on a part-time basis.  I will be looking ahead and looking back.  I am looking forward to the next chapter of my life but I will never tire of re-reading their childhood.  I will move on because they have moved on, once again sending me into unchartered territory.